The Village People

It turns out, I’m STILL thinking about self-care.  Or rather, who takes care of you, when you’re the caretaker?   Dr. Aliza Pressman’s podcast, Raising Good Humans, addressed this in a recent episode, “Who is Mothering Mom?”  If you’re like me and found yourself a little put off by the title, don’t let it dissuade you from listening.  Did it not sit right with you, either? Why is this?  If I dig down deep and am super honest, perhaps it is because moms/dads/caretakers pride ourselves on being the ones who take care of others. Does this also imply that we do not need caretaking, akin to “doctors make the worst patients”?  Or maybe the term “mothering” feels juvenile and feels like something we only need when we’re children?  (Dr. Aliza reminds us that “Mom” is a proxy for whoever is the primary caregiver in a family.)  

In any case, despite the initial reaction to the title, I gave it a listen, and within the first week after it came out, I gave it a second listen.  Aliza and researcher Dr. Suniya Luthar examined what decades of Luthar’s research shows is the most important factor in determining a child’s emotional well-being: Mom’s emotional well-being.  Dr. Luthar’s research takes the “self” out of self-care and explored the importance of allowing oneself to be taken care of.  In fact, my favorite part of this episode was when Dr. Aliza asks a question about how parents can take better care of themselves.  Dr. Luthar quickly cuts her off and reminds her that this mindset of “taking care of oneself” gives the caretaker one more thing to add to a long list of to-dos.  She explores how, instead, we need to open ourselves up to others’ “mothering.”

Before you go sending the podcast to your spouse as something they need to add to THEIR to-do list, hear this: Dr. Luthar says no!  The caretaker must be someone else.  The co-parent or spouse already has enough pressure on their role in the family and relationship.  Who does this leave?  Mom/dad friends, your church/temple/mosque, a fitness community-whatever!  The point is about opening yourself up to being able to be taken care of by your village.  Your village people. Whoever they may be.